So I thought “Self, people love to hear rants. Perhaps I should vent in my blog to help fight the urge to smack people upside the head?” I try to avoid head smacking wherever possible, so here’s a list of pregnancy-related questions that I never want to see ever again.

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1. Am I pregnant?

I am so sick of this question. Okay, I get that there are a lot of frightened women that ask this for peace of mind and the like. But this question gets asked at least once every five minutes (no exaggeration), and the answer is always the same: pee on the freakin’ stick!

Since symptoms are never conclusive (you can have every symptom in the book and still not be pregnant, or you could have no symptoms and be carrying twins), I’ll let you gals in on a little secret.

If sperm came anywhere near your vagina for any reason, there’s a chance (however slim) that you could be pregnant. No birth control method is 100% reliable, except for abstinence. Sperm does not die instantly outside of the vagina. I don’t care what your special circumstance is. It doesn’t matter what the chances are. You either are or you aren’t pregnant, so take a test and stop wasting everybody’s time.

2. Should I get an abortion?

Oh, internet.

In my personal politics I’m pro-life, but I vote pro-choice. A question like this makes me wonder why I bother. Half of the answers (and there will be a lot of them) will say “no” and talk about adoption, a quarter will call the questioner a murderer, and the last quarter will uncomfortably shuffle their feet and say “You know, that’s actually your decision, not ours.”

Decisions involving babies are huge no matter what the circumstances. You can keep the baby, in which case HELLO PREGNANCY and taking care of a tiny person who depends on you utterly and completely; you can give the baby up for adoption, in which case you skip that last part but get to deal with lifelong guilt, unhappiness, and ‘what ifs’; or you can abort, leaving you with guilt and a lot of angry people telling you how awful you are, not to mention the possibility that you could never have a chance at children again.

Why people try to put this extremely delicate question to the internet, I’ll never understand. I can’t believe such people are actually serious. So, instead of contemplating the possibility of someone  reproducing who thinks the internet can answer whether they should kill a baby or not, I’ll just chalk it up to trolls and shake my fist.

3. I’m bleeding out the eyes/peeing green funk/running a fever of 105 fahrenheit. Is this normal?

No. Now go to the doctor.

In all seriousness, sometimes pregnancy does cause some pretty weird symptoms. Like, the whole thing with having nightmares every single night? I would have chalked it up to mental instability, but nope, it’s common in pregnancy. But, none of us at Y!A are doctors, so why are you asking us? Don’t you have a doctor of your own?

4. I’m pregnant and I don’t want to quit X bad habit. Must I?

What you want is for someone to tell you that X bad habit (smoking, drinking, unprotected sex with a HIV-positive person, whatever) is okay and that you don’t have to quit, even though you know you should. Here’s a little hint. If you think you should quit doing something, then you should quit doing it.

5. I’m 12/13/14/15/16/17 and I want a baby. I know I’m prepared. What do you think?

Inevitably, the contents of this question end up being a teenager talking about how she knows ALL about babies (because she baby-sits her friend’s/sister’s/aunt’s baby) and that she is totally mature enough to have a baby. It’ll be great to have a baby, because she loves them and hers will love her back unconditionally.

The only problem is that everybody in the entire freaking world thinks this is a bad idea. She can’t understand why. She lists all the reasons why she’s fit to be a mother. She talks about how she and her boyfriend are truly in love and how they’ve both picked out baby names.

Then, inevitably, when the commenters don’t agree she whines and cries about how they don’t understand how terrible things are for her and how she’ll have her baby and that’ll show them.

If you’re a teen and you want to be a mother, then you had better be more prepared than any adult you have ever met. You’d better have a car, job, house, insurance, stable marriage, happy life, savings, and baby supplies. Yes, adults regularly get by with less. But guess what: you aren’t an adult. You’re still growing up and learning how the world works.

Since I know you don’t have any of these things, I advise you get a puppy, or an indoor plant.

6. How is babby formed?

Okay guys, it was funny the first time. Maybe it was even funny the second time. But you’re not edgy, hip, cool, or funny if you go into the pregnancy section of Yahoo! Answers and post this question; you’re a moron who can’t come up with his own funnies.

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Ask one of these questions, and you’ll likely find yourself on the wrong end of a large number of moody, uncomfortable, sleep-deprived women; and believe me, not many of us have many qualms with tearing you a new one. Feel free to post if you really can’t help yourself . . . but don’t say I didn’t warn you.